15
Jun
08

The Return of Vanilla Ice

(From left to right: Vanilla Ice before Eminem dyed his hair blonde; Vanilla Ice after Eminem dyed his hair blonde)

I may be a little late with this story, but fuck it. Since Vanilla Ice has had a sort of career resurgence as of late (mostly because he has the personality of a sexually abused 12-year-old and because he threw a drum kit at Robin Leech on national TV because of the aforementioned personality defects, I thought I’d take the chance to go over his more recent music to discover if he actually deserves a second chance and is really the greatest rapper of all time who has just been suppressed by a massive conspiracy between MTV and VH1, who hate him because he’s the greatest rapper of all time and because, shit, there’s nothing MTV hates more than putting deranged white musicians with hat hair all over their channel (those bastards!), like his fans claim, or if he is just an asshole egomaniac who wishes he were Eminem (or even Fred Durst – anything’s better than being Vanilla Ice!).

Before I get started, however, I’d just like to give my readers a psychological profile of the kind of person who thinks that Vanilla Ice is a rap/rock legend. Here are some samples from Amazon reviews some of them wrote for Ice’s more recent albums:

One douche bag fan had this to say about Vanilla Ice’s oh-so-moving song “Ninja Rap” from the movie Ninja Turtles 2: The Return of the Ooze:

” if you ever want to see a performer bear his soul to millions of people through the art of song, i suggest you listen to one of the greatest works of art ever created by a single man… NINJA RAP! this song should be your lone reason for purchasing this album. if you want to hear a song that will not only touch your heart, but the deepest reaches of your soul, ninja rap is the song for you. only the most cold hearted people in the world can listen to this song and not cry.”

I must be the most cold hearted bastard in the world, since I heard Ninja Rap and didn’t reach a new level of emotional epiphany after hearing “the green machine” rap about “four Ninja Turtles.” Sorry.

Another reviewer, in a review entitled “Vanilla Ice > 2Pac” said:

“Vanilla Ice is the definition of a growing artist. In the beginning, yeah, he was a joke, but now his art should be on the top of the hip-hop charts. His flow is smoother than Rakim’s, his lyrics are more intricate than Nas and more thought-provoking than Tribe Called Quest. No other rapper can sustain his credibility by putting out Ninja Rap 2 some 15 years after he wrote the original. Even though no one asked him to. And there’s no movie coming out. What a guy.”

Indeed, what a guy.

Only one reviewer of his most recent abortion of an album, “Platinum Underground,” possessed the Nancy Drew-level deductive reasoning skills to realize that

“…”Platinum Underground,” is a rather puzzling title, since “platinum” is the complete opposite of “underground” — how can you have a best-selling album and remain under the mainstream radar?”

I think, however, that the title is supposed to be referencing how Ice is now underground, since he fell off like a semi off a cliff after he went platinum.

Whatever.

Anyway, I downloaded most of “Platinum Underground,” and I honestly cannot put into words how awful it is. I’m sorry I led you along. I can’t write anything here that could possibly describe how bad his music is.

He spends most of the album complaining about how awful MTV is and how gangster he is. As Eminem once put it, if he was really out selling cocaine, why the fuck did he stop? He would make a lot more money off it than he does off rap.

What a fucking joke.

The bottom line is that if you like Vanilla Ice, you have some serious issues.

And that’s not even a joke. You probably need help. I recommend intensive counseling and behavior modification meds.

Maybe you can buy some from Vanilla Ice – he’s a gun toting drug dealer, right?

lofl

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